Anyway. I’m going to take a nice hot shower and drink some hot tea and go back to bed. I think thats a great idea. I will blog about Ragnar soon! I had such an amazing time!!

I’ve been listening to Owl City a lot lately. The soft side of me really likes them!

Love is any of a number of emotions related to a sense of strong affection[1] and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure (“I loved that meal”) to intense interpersonal attraction (“I love my wife”). This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

Infatuation An object of extravagant, short-lived passion.

Desire is a sense of longing for a person or object or hoping for an outcome. The same sense is expressed by emotions such as “craving” or “hankering”. When a person desires something or someone, their sense of longing is excited by the enjoyment or the thought of the item or person, and they want to take actions to obtain their goal. The motivational aspect of desire has long been noted by philosophers; Hobbes (1588–1679) asserted that human desire is the fundamental motivation of all human action.

So I’ve discovered when your brain confuses these basic emotions -- thats when your heart hurts. However I’ve saved the deadliest emotion for last. Tis the one that hurts the worst and all should avoid it by any means necessary.

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust.

I’m not a jealous person. However, one can be driven to this emotion with little to no effort by others. When others intentionally try to make you jealous it is up to you not to deal with it. or to avoid it.

Life is consistently teaching us. Either we learn our lessons at a young or old age either way we will learn them.

I want few things out of life -- Happiness and Love. The two go hand in hand. I want other things. However -- I feel the two listed are core requirements to live life successfully.

Things I will remember going forward -- NEVER CONFUSE LOVE WITH INFATUATION OR DESIRE.

The sky is still blue, the sun still shines and I have air to breath -- I am content with life for the moment.

I guess that’s the best way to describe it. I just feel disappointed in myself today. The whole relationship situation is over my head… I posted today on twitter “and after 26 years of life my heart has been broken for the first time. nothing a little tape wont fix (I hope)…”. I’ve never had a broken heart. I’ve been hurt but not broken -- nor am I broken now. I just need to get over this.

I really don’t know how to feel about my relationship status and letting someone in so easily and loving them so easily and so completely so soon. What does this say about me? Am I weak for letting someone in so close, so soon? I don’t know… Perhaps just a lesson I needed to learn in life.

Looking at the predicament I’m in…I think that I was in denial for a long time. When I left Nelson I told myself to be single and to find myself. Hook up with people and not let them in (no relationships). I don’t know maybe I put up that front attempting to protect myself. I didn’t want to jump out of one relationship and into another, but it’s been 10 months now… I thought I was ready to be in a relationship. I think I was -- I just used poor judgement.

I was happy before…being single. I think I’m just over it. The whole being single thing. it’s whatever…

Husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.
The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.”

HAHAHAHA – How shitty it would be to have your spouse say something like that.

I find myself blogging in anger and sadness lately – why am I so angry and sad?! Oh wait I already know the answer to that question…!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again “this is not me”…

When I was younger my mother would never let me watch soap operas. Funny thing she was no better. Thats besides the point. The shitty part is – life is like a soap opera for some people. I mean some people just love to live knee deep in bullshit for some reason. and thats how I feel about that – side note. I twittered this a few weeks ago: Selfish greedy people don’t deserve happiness.

Anyway. My Grams is really sick. I took her to the Doc today and they said she has a severe lung infection and that one of her lungs is not working properly. They gave her a Z-pack and sent her home. I thought they would do more given she can barley even talk.

I don’t know how I feel lately. It’s like I’m consistently filled with mixed emotions.

Went for a long run tonight – got really bad side cramps…didn’t eat today. I know better. just been to stressed to eat and if I didn’t run I would have exploded… it’s funny just when I think the stress will end..it worsens. thats my luck.
and then I think to myself – no, it’s not your luck. I just need to get myself out of this rut I’m in.

I feel like I have two options a easy road and a hard road. tis life. I can pick either and make the best of it.

On another note. It’s been decided that I will take on more responsibility at work – I’m really happy about this. The added responsibility should be a good change in pace.

Now see after typing all this out I feel much better. It is really hard for me to vent to people I know. Here I feel like I can’t vent without feeling bad. Either you want to read it or you can choose not too. lol

I have a list of stuff I have to do… I have to get ready for Ragnar in less than 2 weeks – meaning I need to run every-night this week. This is a good thing it’ll help me think clearly. I have to get a new phone tomorrow. I’ve decided to get an air card (I think thats what it’s called) so I can have internet anywhere.

James sent me this today – he is the best.

I’m going to eat something and go to bed.

I’m trying really hard not to get upset about specific situations that I have no control over. We’ll see how I do at this in the future. I don’t know if now is the best time to blog. whatever.

I’ve been in a relationship since February 1st my mans name is Charles. The tricky part about our relationship is… it’s long distance. He lives in Wisconsin and I live in Arizona. He came out to Arizona this weekend and this is the first time we actually met in person. It was amazing -- everything I wanted it to be and more. I took him to the airport this morning. I’m going to go out to Wisconsin for a week in March. I’m really excited.

At this point -- I don’t have anything else to say. I have so much chatter in my brain. I can’t make it stop. I feel like my brain is questioning everything. Is this good or bad…I have yet to decide. Sometimes I can over think specific situations and that can go either way good or bad.

All that matters is I had a great weekend and the best valentines day I could ask for.

I’m really tired.

Here we are.

Heard this at the airport this morning. now I can’t stop listening to it.

For some reason this keeps playing over and over in my head…not so good.but I don’t know why.